Unhappy New Year’s
I don’t know why, but I was really excited for New Year’s this year. I had high hopes, even though I knew what happens when you get your hopes up. The night started ok. My best friend got engaged. I’m really happy for her, but it left me with a sense of…emptiness. Everyone I know is getting married and having babies. I feel like I’m stuck. Like I’m forever in an eternal loop of wake up, work, eat, sleep, wake up, work, eat, sleep, wake up, work….you get the picture. Nothing exciting happens to me. Ever. So Melissa got engaged. Lucky her. I went over to see her and her new ring at her New Year’s party. I skipped the hug she tried to give me and grabbed her left hand. When I did, I couldn’t breathe. I felt like someone had punched me. It was my ring. Well, not literally, but it was the exact ring I’ve always dreamed about and hoped for. In that moment, the world seemed entirely unfair. Why shouldn’t I get the ring and the guy and the life that makes everyone else so happy? And then it hit me. I’ll never get that. I’ll never have the guy that dreams of nothing but marrying me or the perfect ring that glitters in the light and everyone is jealous of or even the bills and worries everyone else gets the chance to have. Because I’m stuck. It seems like everyone’s path is a straight, flat path, all leading to marriage and happiness and everything they want. Me? I’m in a hamster wheel. No path, no street signs, just me and a wheel and I keep watchin the same things pass me by time and time again. But back to New Year’s, at Mel’s party I spent the whole time talking to her dad. He’s definitely like my counselor. He’s one of the few people I can trust and that really seems to care. Mel pretty much ignored me after the initial ‘hello’. But from Mel, that’s to be expected. She’s done that our entire friendship. I left and went to Lonny’s friend’s house where there was supposed to be a party. It turned out to be Lonny, Dave, Dave’s little sister Erica, and their friend Josh sitting around playing Starcraft. I asked Lonny if we could please leave. I was left out and bored out of my mind. He left reluctantly and we drove around trying to find something to do. I suggested several ideas, all of which got shot down, so I suggested we go to my house and play the new Guitar Hero. We get to my house and he complains of a headache and that he wants to go back to his friend’s “party”. Which, by the way, is bull crap! If he has such a horrible headache that he can’t sit on a couch and kiss me at midnight, how is it that he is perfectly fine to go play videogames and mess around with his friends? I’m finding more and more that he just doesn’t give a damn about anything that is important to me. Or maybe he just doesn’t give a damn about me. As long as he gets what he wants, he’s happy. I’m so tired of it. So anyway, I gave in and took him back to the house and dropped him off. I counted down to midnight alone, laying on my bed staring at the ceiling. “Un-Happy New Year’s” I whisper to myself.
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