You’re free to leave me, just don’t decieve me

You’re free to leave me…

I recently discovered the movie Moulin Rouge. I wish I had found it years ago, but I never saw it even when people told me I should. The title of this post is a line from one of the songs. He sings ‘Why does my heart cry? Feelings I can’t fight. You’re free to leave me, just don’t decieve me and please believe me when I say I love you.’  If I hadn’t lost my poetic flair, I would’ve written words just like this. My relationship with Lonny is…complicated. We talked about breaking up, but I think we stayed together out of fear and sheer hatred of loneliness. He is my best friend and the one that keeps me sane, but he hurts me a little bit each day. Sometimes I wish he would just pretend to love me. Just to humor my lonely fantasies. The other day we went on a picnic because in almost 2 years of dating, we’d never been on an actual picnic before. So we’re laying on the blanket watching the clouds after eating and Lonny says he has something serious to say. He tells me that he’s not sure he should say “I love you” because he’s not in love with me. Now, I know we’ve talked about it before, about how we know we’re not going to get married (trust me, I long since gave up on romantic dreams) but for him to just say it so blatantly that he just doesn’t love me and never did while I’m trying to bask in the sunlight stung. I tried to play it off like it didn’t have any affect on me, but it really kinda sucked. I do feel like we’re more like best friends with benefits more than anything romantic, but it still hurt to hear it. And then tonight, I read this on his blog:

I decided not to break up with bri.  after long talks about what i dont like about her and what she hates about me and both of us trying to change for the better, i realized that she makes me happy.  I still am strong in the fact that we wont get married, but for now, while i have no interest in seeing anyone else and while marriage is the furthest thing from my mind, i dont see any harm in being with her.

So not only is he telling everyone that there’s a lot of things he hates about me, but that ‘there’s not any harm’ in being with me. Not even really that he wants to be or that he loves me or that he can’t see life without me, but that it couldn’t hurt. It couldn’t hurt his pocketbook either. I feel like I’m desperately throwing money at him as some pathetic-beyond-belief attempt to convince him that he needs me. It’s sad that I hold on to all these fairy-tale delusions of love as some weak effort at keeping up hopes that I never should’ve allowed myself to imagine. Every relationship I’ve had that hit a year failed and failed miserably. Why, why in the name of all that is good and holy, did I permit myself to hallucinate about things that I will never have. Why would I allow myself to dream when I know my dreams will always turn out to be nightmares?

…Just don’t decieve me.

Perfection in a little bundle

I know that I complain in this blog alot, but I do have something to be happy about. Meet my niece. She is the cutest, more adorable creature to grace this planet with her presence. Something about that baby just makes everything right in the world. Even when I’m babysitting her and she screams for 45 minutes cause she misses her mommy, her perfect little soul just…cleanses me. When I look at her, it reminds me of all the dreams I can achieve just by knowing that I know she could anything she puts her mind to. I don’t know what it is about Skye Isabella, but somehow, she is the most soothing, perfect being I’ve ever encountered. In case you can’t tell, I love her a whole lot. She is beautiful. And she’s lucky. I’ve seen my sister become a person I never thought she’d be. The cutest mom in the world…and more caring towards everyone else. I don’t think Skye will ever know how much her introduction into this world changed things. Changed me, my sister, her husband, everyone around her. I love that baby. I love you, Skye.

Unhappy New Year’s

I don’t know why, but I was really excited for New Year’s this year. I had high hopes, even though I knew what happens when you get your hopes up. The night started ok. My best friend got engaged. I’m really happy for her, but it left me with a sense of…emptiness. Everyone I know is getting married and having babies. I feel like I’m stuck. Like I’m forever in an eternal loop of wake up, work, eat, sleep, wake up, work, eat, sleep, wake up, work….you get the picture. Nothing exciting happens to me. Ever. So Melissa got engaged. Lucky her. I went over to see her and her new ring at her New Year’s party. I skipped the hug she tried to give me and grabbed her left hand. When I did, I couldn’t breathe. I felt like someone had punched me. It was my ring. Well, not literally, but it was the exact ring I’ve always dreamed about and hoped for. In that moment, the world seemed entirely unfair. Why shouldn’t I get the ring and the guy and the life that makes everyone else so happy? And then it hit me. I’ll never get that. I’ll never have the guy that dreams of nothing but marrying me or the perfect ring that glitters in the light and everyone is jealous of or even the bills and worries everyone else gets the chance to have. Because I’m stuck. It seems like everyone’s path is a straight, flat path, all leading to marriage and happiness and everything they want. Me? I’m in a hamster wheel. No path, no street signs, just me and a wheel and I keep watchin the same things pass me by time and time again. But back to New Year’s, at Mel’s party I spent the whole time talking to her dad. He’s definitely like my counselor. He’s one of the few people I can trust and that really seems to care. Mel pretty much ignored me after the initial ‘hello’. But from Mel, that’s to be expected. She’s done that our entire friendship. I left and went to Lonny’s friend’s house where there was supposed to be a party. It turned out to be Lonny, Dave, Dave’s little sister Erica, and their friend Josh sitting around playing Starcraft. I asked Lonny if we could please leave. I was left out and bored out of my mind. He left reluctantly and we drove around trying to find something to do. I suggested several ideas, all of which got shot down, so I suggested we go to my house and play the new Guitar Hero. We get to my house and he complains of a headache and that he wants to go back to his friend’s “party”. Which, by the way, is bull crap! If he has such a horrible headache that he can’t sit on a couch and kiss me at midnight, how is it that he is perfectly fine to go play videogames and mess around with his friends? I’m finding more and more that he just doesn’t give a damn about anything that is important to me. Or maybe he just doesn’t give a damn about me. As long as he gets what he wants, he’s happy. I’m so tired of it. So anyway, I gave in and took him back to the house and dropped him off. I counted down to midnight alone, laying on my bed staring at the ceiling. “Un-Happy New Year’s” I whisper to myself.

The lies Hope tells

Ever since high school ended, I feel like I’ve been losing friend after friend. They moved on. I seem to be stuck. I can’t help it, I’ve always been a firm believer in everlasting friendships. I was kidding myself. No one stays friends after high school. That end-of-school-day bell rang for the final time and suddenly, all the people I called friend turned and ran. I was left in a dust of disappointment and broken fairy tales. People always said, be prepared (I just had a Lion King moment), that every friendship is doomed to end with the last tones of the school bell, but I didn’t listen. I knew, i just KNEW that my friendships would be the ones to survive forever. That I would marry my high school sweetheart, live next door to my best friend, and have play dates with all my friends’ kids and mine. Ah, the lies hope tells. In high school, I had a very tight knit group of friends. The posse. Me, Mel, Cori, Wendy, Aly, Ryan, Curtis, Cory, Dan, and Lindsay. Then I had Robert, Danny, Okin, Courtney, and various boyfriends on and off. Now I have………..an extra long ellipsis. I know I have Lonny, and he’s wonderful, but he lives in West Jordan and that’s way too far to see each other often. Also, he doesn’t do well with emotions, and sometimes I need someone to listen and care when I’m sad or upset. That’s just not something he can do for me. That’s okay…I just wish I had someone. The closest relationships I have to real friends are Mel, who is my friend only when convenient, Mel’s dad Todd, who acts as my personal counselor, and Dave and Shane, who are default friends. You know, my friend by default because I happen to be dating their good friend, but the instant Lonny and I broke up, neither of them would ever speak to me again. Not exactly anyone I can rely on to help me. But I need help. Words can’t describe the depths of my loneliness and depression. I just wish I was someone people WANTED to be around. I just wish someone loved me.

I lack motivation

So I’m about as good at writing on my blog as I am writing in my journal. Aka, horrible. My last post was six months ago when I was living in College Terrace apartments in Orem. Run down, inexpensive apartments that I got by on, but definitely not a place to call home. At least, until Lonny moved in to the building next to mine. Being so close to him was like…well…referring to my last post, turning on a light. I wasn’t scared, because he was just a few feet away. Our windows even faced each other, though his was much lower than mine, it was comforting just to know he was near. We spent our days, when we weren’t working, renting movies from the redbox across the street or walking over to WalMart for groceries and snacks…or both. Of course, those were the days I wasn’t watching him play BioShock on his Xbox. You know, I’m really not into video games much, but BioShock was like watching one long, amazingly captivating movie. Even had an awesome plot twist at the end to rival those of Fight Club or The Prestige. Anyway, the summer quickly came to an end, and so did Lonny’s job. In addition to horrible management and crappy living conditions, the rent jumped another hundred dollars come fall, so Lonny and I both grudgingly dragged ourselves out of freedom and back into the arms of captivity. In simple terms, I moved home. The summer with Lonny was wonderful, and coming back to my parents house felt…and feels like suffocating. The upside? (Which, inevitably there has to be one) No rent, food is home cooked and paid for, and I get to be close to my brothers. Speaking of my brothers, Nathan, 13, just got out of surgery today and for anyone who cares to know, he’s doing really well and we hope for the best. Also, Josh, 16, has become one of my best friends. I just wish other people could see the boy I see when I look at him. He’s deep, he’s smart, he’s funny, and he writes amazing poetry. He’s like me. Poetic and lonely. Dealing with my dad has been harder than I wanted it to be. I tried to make sure there would never be any conflict between us, but there always seems to be something. Something more to yell at, something to keep me awake, crying. I love my dad. I wish there was a way to fix things. I wish I could just be better. A better daughter, a better sister, a better girlfriend. Just better. I’m sorry. I’m sorry to let you down, whoever you are. I’m sorry I have to be me.

Melancholy Solitude

I don’t do well with alone. I sit here in a dark, empty apartment and it’s all I can do to keep from crying…or screaming. Something about darkness is…tangible. I could almost touch it. It could hurt me. It’s dark and I miss the light. I need to sleep but all I can think about is how much I miss him. It’s only been two hours since I’ve seen him, but I need him tonight. I need to feel his strong arms protecting me. I need to hear him whisper that it’ll be ok. When he was here, when he slept next to me, I wasn’t scared. I was happy. Now that he’s gone, this decorated room feels bare and empty. I feel empty. I hug a useless teddy bear, knowing it can’t help me in the thick black that surrounds, but if I close my eyes, I can almost imagine it’s him. Almost. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know if I can open my eyes for fear of what lies beyond my eyelids. So I lay here eternally, eyes clenched shut against the blackness, choking a stuffed replacement of my Guppy, humming a lullaby to myself. Tears of fear roll down my cheeks as I stroke the darkness. Tears of loneliness burn my face as I embrace my melancholy solitude. “…and if that mocking bird won’t sing, Mamma’s gonna buy you a diamond ring…”